Bad Acid Trip

I spent the week obsessing over the the event from last Sunday. I knew that I was in a bad mental space when we went to breakfast last Sunday, but as usual I couldn't just let it go. No, I had to obsess over it until I feel like I understood the situation inside and out, from top to bottom and from every angle that there was to look at it. And what I found was depressing.

I realized that when I went, I was tired of "sniffing the air" to see when/where it was safe to express myself. I wanted to "just be" myself for a change rather than being cautious for how that might affect others. And so I did, and I got my ass handed to me. I was basically having a bad acid trip, acting things out, and having a great old time...until I realized that I was alienating everyone around me. Even Eva was giving me a smirk like...you are a little crazy.

It was really rather scary, actually, because I realized that by "just being myself", I was being exactly like my mom, which is a nightmare realized. I realized that I was being competitive with the other women there, the mom and the mom-to-be, and it was only to feel superior, which is something my mom does ALL THE TIME. So when I realized just how much like my mom I was, I nearly died. The last thing I want to be is like her, but I know I am, too often. Snooty, holier than thou, arrogant, socially maladroit; all of those things fit me to a tee.

You may be thinking; who is this person, and why should I be reading her blog? She sounds like a bitch. And you're not wrong; I am a bitch, but I'm also recovering from an awful childhood and trying every single day to overcome the myriad obstacles that my mother, bless her heart, created for me. Hence, I am unfrozen cavewoman non-lawyer, trying every day to rewrite what was indented in my soul for so long.