Words Cannot Say How Much I Love You

Connor was in such a great mood this weekend all weekend. I hated to have to be away from him for a baby shower on Saturday, but I have to say, I had a lot of fun at the shower. Nevertheless, when I saw him, it was as though he had not seen me all week, and boy! was he glad to see me. Since he can't walk yet, I crawled on the floor after him, telling him that I was going to get him! and he laughed and tried to flee away from me. So me chasing him and him laughing and trying to get away is a new development.

Today, Corey and I went to another friend's wedding party, and Connor was had a great time (he was invited, too). He's such a blessing. Jason was playing with Connor, and Connor was really enjoying himself with Jason. We also so Joelle, and she was avoiding us from our conversation last Sunday. Oh well. I see that she has issues, and we bring those issues up. So we'll never be friends. I think it's sad, but that's life.

And now Connor is asleep, and I'm back to my super early schedule and won't get to see him tomorrow morning when he wakes up, but I will be there in the afternoon, as soon as I'm able. And I realized after seeing Joelle that like her, I have my issues too, but Connor is not going to have the life that I had.

I often feel like the soldier that is sacrificing himself so that his comrade can go on and complete the mission. And that sums it up pretty well. I won't be able to realize my dreams and be terribly successful, but I can create the conditions so that Connor can. Because I care. About. Everything. And because I do, Connor is going to have the life that I wish I could have.

I was looking at some old pictures of me; pictures from 1972 - 1982. I was thin in 1982. That was the year that I was molested. And then I started eating to hide who I am and what I look like. But there was a picture of me in 1972, and if you remove my hair and put in Connor's, he looks just like me. And I think of my childhood and all of the things that happened; even the bad fashion is an example of my mom's neglect for herself, for me, for myself, for my sister. And I know that because I love Connor and want to help him develop in every facet of his life, he is going to have a life completely unlike my own. Thank God.