Just when I try to get out, it pulls me back in

Lately I've been fantasizing that I've moved on from my child hood. It seems so long ago, not like yesterday like it did 10 years ago or so. I'd like to think that I've done a lot of consolidation.

On Friday I went to the playground with Logan. There was a young, cute dad that was there with his son. Logan was busy doing his own thing. The dad approached me. He asked about my son's hair cut. "Oh, so you've already cut his hair?" "Yeah", I said. His son's hair was pretty long, and curly-ish. "We don't want to cut his hair yet, it's so soft and nice as it is."

I really didn't know what to say. What I did say was the wrong thing. "Well, we want to make sure that he gets good hair cuts rather than bad ones at Supercuts", or something along those lines. It was snarky. It closed a door rather than opening it.

I realized that it was because when I was a child, my hair was either really long, or really short. My mom would give me $10 and drop me off at the SuperCuts and say "tell them to give you the pixie cut". And I would. It was really short. I have a round face, and in truth, it didn't really fit me, but it was super short.

And that's how it was me and my sister. When I think of it, it symbolizes how my mom neglected me, and it brings up a fear that maybe those parents are neglecting their child. Just because they don't want to cut his hair. They can be charming, wonderful people, who take great care of their child, it's just they have this different belief.

And then I realized just how big this issue is. That whenever I see anything that remotely looks like neglect, the neglect that I experienced, it's going to bring out that type of reaction. That it doesn't stop with the hair cuts, that ill fitting clothes, shoes too large, clothes that are overly dirty, babies that are told to be quiet when they are just being babies, all of the things that come up generates that reaction in me. And I need to be aware of it, and try to take ownership of it.

Until then, I need to be compassionate with myself about why I'm snarky. Because I can be harsher with myself than anyone that I make those comments to. I guess next up is finding a dandelion break when you're in the sea of emotion and have those reactions.